Take a moment to think about what courage means to you. Is it facing something you are fearful of? Is there an expectation in your mind that once you are no longer afraid, you will then gain courage?

Oftentimes, there is a misconception that in order for one to be courageous, one must be fearless. It is the opposite: feeling the fear and persisting into the unknown.

The definition of “courage” in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is stated as:

“Mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty”.

To expand further on this concept, Brene Brown elaborates that:

“Choosing courage does not mean that we’re unafraid, it means that we are brave enough despite the fear and uncertainty”.

What is my personal experience with courage?

The key for me was to learn to accept the fear; to show up and to be the best self I am capable of.

What helps me?

• Letting go of trying to control everything
• Preparation and accountability
• Stop waiting until I “feel brave enough” to do something.

In researching this topic, I found many quotes about courage and this one resonated strongly with me:

“I am not a courageous person by nature. I have simply discovered that, at certain key moments in this life, you must find courage in yourself, in order to move forward and live. It is like a muscle and it must be exercised, first a little, and then more and more.”

~ John Patrick Shanley

As I look back on my journey of public speaking, I realized that the element of the unknown caused me major anxiety. I learned the hard way over and over again that all of my unnecessary worry and catastrophizing would not change the outcome.

I found myself stuck at the crossroads many years ago: do I continue to be ruled by fear, or do I move out of my comfort zone and face it? I clearly chose the latter which brings me to where I am today.

I did not see myself as a courageous person. I simply decided that I could no longer go on living a life restricted by fear. I willfully decided to live a more courageous life and I sought out opportunities that would enhance my life.

This is a list of a few things that brought me out of my comfort zone:

• Facilitating support groups for public speaking and performance anxiety
• Joining Toastmasters
• Involvement in classes and activities where I would have to introduce myself or be the center of attention (such as learning improvisational comedy)
• The Getting Over Stage Fright workshop.

Immediately after I completed the Getting Over Stage Fright workshop in 2010, my anxiety was reduced tremendously. Although I had already been a Toastmasters’ member for a couple years, I had been unable to give a speech. Within less than a month of taking the workshop, I joined a new Toastmasters’ Club and gave my first speech with so much enthusiasm, my fellow members forgot to time my speech and I went over by 5 minutes!

I have continued applying the tools that I have learned and am now approaching a goal that I would have never imagined possible: the wonderful opportunity to lead the amazing Getting Over Stage Fright workshop! It is truly an honor and holds deep personal significance.

How can you become even more courageous?

You are already much braver than you think! Notice when you do something that you are afraid to do, how your body and mind react to an implied threat. You persevere despite the fear.

Learn to pay attention to positive signals and to discount negative ones. Many of us have a “negativity bias” that causes us to look for disapproval much more easily than positive feedback. Be mindful of this and gently steer your mind to positive stimuli. While speaking and/or performing, it is very common to notice the few audience members that have non-pleasant expressions on their face. Instead, tune into those who seem happy to be there.

Courage helps us grow and give… if we allow it to. It is available to all of us.

What if we could train ourselves to perform small, daily acts of bravery, significant to our personal development?

Courage can become a habit, like a muscle that you exercise. Start with small inconsequential topics. Decide what you think about these things and speak from a meaningful place in your heart. This will help you to gain confidence in speaking about more challenging matters over time.

If it seems overwhelming to talk about your personal opinions at first, focus on a cause or individuals that you would like to stand up for. At times, it can be easier to be courageous on behalf of others rather than ourselves.

It’s also helpful to be in the company of others that will support and encourage you. Since fear can be a primary cause of procrastination, accountability is a great tool to keep you on track with your goals. See our previous blog post about accountability.

Find courage in numbers. It’s much easier to act in the company of even one other person who feels the way you do. Sharing your challenges with others in itself is courageous! Many previous workshop participants have become much more open about their fear of public speaking and performing and say it is a relief to finally share it. They tell us they are often pleasantly surprised that others can relate and offer one another support.

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”

~ Brene Brown

It is truly incredible to watch how caring and supportive people can be toward one another when they share a deep mutual understanding of the feelings and experiences in dealing with this fear. It also provides much solace to know that we truly are not alone with this challenge.

Training Our Minds

One of the things that came up over and over during the workshop is the need to train our minds to focus on more positive thought patterns that serve us and support us rather than undermine us. It is quite common to fall into the trap of conditioned, automatic patterns of thought and reactivity that fuel anxiety, fear, and self-doubt.

It is very important to become more aware of these tendencies and to learn to identify when this is happening so you can pause, reflect on your self-defeating beliefs, thoughts, and images, and consciously choose to change the direction of your thoughts.

“My Mind is My Ally”

The phrase, “My mind is my ally” can be used as a cue to remind yourself that your mind needs to support and encourage you, rather than work against you, and it is up to you to train your mind to go in the direction you would like it to go, rather than let it go wherever it feels like going or where it is used to going based on past conditioning.

Being Conscious & Aware

The key is to become conscious and aware when you are beginning to get caught in the web of negative, self-defeating thinking. Next, redirect your mind as soon as possible with a positive attitude about your increasing self-awareness rather than feeling frustration with yourself over the tendency towards these self-defeating thought patterns. There is an analogy of how planes get to their destinations:

Planes are often off-course as they attempt to reach their destination. The way they arrive at their final destination is through a continual process of self-correction, where the instrumentation allows them to get back on-course over and over and over again, finally arriving where they set out to go.

This is a very similar process to how our minds will often be “off course” in how we are thinking about and responding (thinking in negative, self-defeating ways) but the more aware we become that we are going in the wrong direction, down a path that does not serve us, the more quickly we can self-correct and get ourselves back on-course in thinking in more positive and supportive ways.

The Continuum of Thought

One way to work on this is to consider the continuum of thoughts and feelings from the most negative to the most positive along the continuum. If you are in a negative mindset over speaking or performing – or something else in your life – see if you can “inch your way up” the continuum by thinking about one thought that would provide some relief from your current negative thoughts and feelings that is slightly better than how you are thinking and feeling about it right now.

Then, inch your way up some more by thinking of another thought that helps to provide just a bit more relief and continue with this process until you start to feel a bit better (and keep going further if you would like until you are feeling much better)!

We can’t expect ourselves to go from a very negative mindset to feeling really good in one fell swoop, so it helps to “inch our way up“, little by little, as the mind adjusts to small, incremental changes in how we think and respond to something that is upsetting us.

Conclusion

Our thoughts (and self-talk) have a huge impact on how we feel and the choices we make (such as to avoid or to step up to our challenges), so the more we can train our minds to focus on things that serve us and support us, the more we will generate feelings that allow us to feel more comfortable with ourselves and our challenges.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but acting in spite of it.” ~Mark Twain

We weren’t meant to live in fear. But we are human and we’re susceptible to anxiety, both real and imagined. Most times, we are nervous about things that might happen in the future. We are afraid of that which we can’t control.

One of the best ways to lessen fear is to act in spite of your fear. By exposing yourself to that which you fear, generally you’ll become more comfortable with it and the fear will dissipate. Now, by taking action, the energy you spent sustaining that anxiety can be spent on something productive.

Many people are afraid of speaking or performing in public. What’s the best way to overcome that fear? Speaking or performing in public, with the right mindset. It may seem overwhelming at first, but it generally gets easier over time if you are mentally prepared and are using the tools that we teach for a more effective approach to this fear.

Remind yourself of other times you were afraid and it all worked out. Remember all your successes. Have confidence in your ability to handle whatever happens. Believe that there are no mistakes, only lessons. Whatever the outcome of your action, you will have certainly learned something.

True, embarrassing moments or even bad things might happen if we were to speak up, step up, or stand up. Yet it is also true that the most amazing things could happen.

You can take action despite your fear.

Accountability

Being accountable to something means that you’re willing to make commitments and be responsible for your own actions. Accountability may eliminate the time and effort you spend on distracting activities and other unproductive behavior.

What Accountability Does:

• Accelerates your performance
• Helps you measure your success and progress
• Keeps you engaged and focused
• Will keep you responsible
• Will validate your thoughts and ideas.

Assessing what you’ve done can motivate you to keep going. Track the failures and successes, what you can do differently, and even what you’d do better if you had to do it all over again.

When you have someone to be accountable to, you can quiet your negative thoughts and bounce your ideas off someone else who can help you make sound decisions and give you constructive advice.

Accounting for your actions weekly will cause you to take a good look at yourself, start eliminating the excuses and start making deliberate actions that bring about your intended success.

Creating and establishing accountability doesn’t have to be a long drawn out process. Your accountability partner could be your friend, colleague, boss, spouse or even a social media contact you made online. It does not matter what job title or experience or gender your accountability partner have, it matters that your accountability partner will make you accountable to achieve your goal.

Each week, every other day, or every day you can report to each other on your goal-getting accomplishments. Your accountability partner doesn’t have to have a similar goal as you, however, similar steps and time frames to achieve said goals are easier to work together. You should be tracking and reporting on each and every step. Accountability partners can help you reach your goals sooner than later and help you build a more strengthened version of yourself.

An example of taking action and being accountable

Decide to attend meetings at a Toastmasters club.

Tell a few people that you are going and how much it means for you to pursue this goal.

Attend a couple meetings to determine if the club is a good fit for you.

If there are other clubs nearby, go to those.

Choose an accountability partner, and ask to be held accountable. Give him/her the schedule of meetings. Choose how often you will check in and in what way (e.g., phone calls, email).

Sign up officially at Toastmasters to be a member.

Start with the smaller roles.

If giving speeches is too overwhelming, ask if there is a role available, such as the person that sets up the room with supplies, or someone that takes the meeting minutes. If you know that fellow members are counting on you, you are much more likely to attend consistently.

You may even find an accountability partner at Toastmasters that shares a similar goal. Most clubs offer a mentor to members which would be another great form of accountability.

Note: If Toastmasters is not for you, another alternative is to consider personal coaching with us or attending our workshops (details coming soon). You would have accountability to the group to take action to continue the progress created at the workshop. Two follow up coaching calls are available to report to the group.

I find that people can be helped so much by hearing the stories of others and I hope it will help you to hear the story of my personal journey with this fear and how far I have come over the years.

My first recollection of feeling really uncomfortable with speaking up in a group setting was in 3rd grade as the teacher went around the room and called various students’ names to read a paragraph out loud to the class (while seated). I remember not liking the feeling of being singled out from the group when it was my turn to read and I felt a lot of pressure to read correctly as everyone seemed to be listening closely to every word I read. I did not like being put on the spot and forced to do something I didn’t want to do and feeling I had no choice.

I then remember feeling very uncomfortable in 6th grade when I had to recite a poem while standing in front of the class. I made sure I knew my poem cold and did a lot of preparation and rehearsal. When the time came to stand in front of the group I remember feeling extremely self-conscious with being the center of attention and having everyone looking at and listening to me. I got through it okay, though I recall not liking the feeling of all of that attention on me and having the responsibility to deliver on something that people were expecting from me. And once again it felt like I was being forced to do something I didn’t want to do and had no choice, which made it feel even worse.

I seemed to get through the rest of my grade school, high school and college years without having to present in any significant way. I don’t know how much I avoided or how much was just not asked of me but I know I didn’t have to confront this issue for years.

Then, things unraveled very quickly when I went off to graduate school. It was a high stress time for me with leaving my job and friends behind as I moved to a different state to start a very rigorous program at a highly regarded school. I felt in over my head and very anxious about this major life change and the demands I was facing. All of this culminated in my first panic attack as we went around the room doing introductions in my very first class.

I was completely overwhelmed by this experience and have no idea how I got through the panic I felt in the room that day but somehow I managed to move my mouth and some words came out when it was my turn to speak. I strongly member the intense Fight or Flight feeling I had as I eyed the door and desperately wanted to bolt out of the room (and out of the entire program).

I was traumatized by that incident and that moment made a deep imprint in my nervous system. I never knew I could feel so out of control and it deeply scared me. I was also feeling very ashamed that I “lost it” like that (even if others did not know) simply by being asked to introduce myself to the class. It felt as though something was really wrong with me and I was afraid for others to find this out about me.

I remember feeling I had this deep dark secret that I had to keep. I felt so burdened by it and so scared each time we had to do introductions, or any type of presentation, that I would be found out. I became preoccupied whenever facing these challenges and felt like I had a black cloud hovering over me, even weeks or months before I had to do whatever it was that I was dreading. I had a thesis to present at the end of my 2-year program and I remember being haunted by that for the whole two years.

Somehow I made it through all of this and was even complimented at times on my speaking ability. No matter how well something went, it didn’t matter as it always felt like the shoe could drop at any moment. I never felt on steady ground and my successes with speaking did not lead to more trust or confidence in my ability to be okay when speaking in front of others. It felt like I was just lucky to survive each one and that trouble was always lurking around the corner.

When I left grad school I was hoping that maybe this issue would ease and that it might have been a reaction to the intensity of the program I was in. Unfortunately, this was not the case and the problem followed me to my first job (as well as the job interviews I had before landing a job). My fear strongly reared its head in a Monday morning case conference that I had to attend and often had to present at in front of my boss and peers. I vividly remember feeling like I was heating up in the room and feeling the room closing in around me whenever I had to present. I hated waiting my turn to be called upon (again feeling like I had no choice). I recall hating Sundays as it was one day closer to the meeting and loving Mondays at 10AM as I had a whole week to feel more free of this burden before I had to present again. Clearly this fear was continuing to get the upper hand.

I decided to go on medication as I was on the verge of feeling like I wanted to quit my job over this. I first tried an anxiety medication that I took daily and it did not work well for me. That is when I found out about the use of beta blockers for performance anxiety. Once I tried a beta blocker (Propranolol), I felt incredible relief. My body symptoms of heart pounding, trembling, flushing/blushing, shaking voice and general feeling of being out of control all subsided and I was able to think more clearly and rationally. It was a godsend to me and I continued to use it for every meeting and for some other speaking I had to do in that job. I found it interesting to note that speaking weekly at the very same meeting with most of the same people for six years never led to desensitizing from the fear.

After leaving this job to go into Private Practice, I felt free as a bird as I no longer felt forced into speaking and it finally felt like I had control over my choice with this (which was to avoid doing it!). Within a few years, though, I ended up becoming a partner in a group practice and once again I was faced with a request to speak. This time it was on a much bigger scale: at a hospital Grand Rounds with my new partners. YIKES!

I write about this in my In The SpotLight book so I won’t go into detail other than to say that this is when I felt like “Enough is enough” and that I had to do something beyond medication to help myself. So, I rallied and learned as much as I could about ways to help myself better manage my fear and anxiety, create a more positive mindset, and develop better coping skills in meeting this challenge head on (both in anticipation of the event as well as when I was right in the thick of it). I mentally prepared as much, if not more, than preparing my content and was pleasantly surprised by how good I felt when the moment arrived. I got many compliments on my presentation and this time I felt like I could feel proud of myself and did not feel like an imposter, as I did in the past. Even though I chose to take a low dose of the beta blocker to help with the conditioned fear response in my body, I still felt this was a major accomplishment based on the dramatic shift in my attitude and mindset.

That event was a turning point for me and I no longer felt dread and foreboding when I had to speak. I still felt anxious and uncomfortable – sometimes more, sometimes less – though the intensity of my feelings was ramped down many notches. I decided I had something to share with others who had a similar phobic level fear that I had, which led me to create my workshop, write my books, create my CD and offer personal coaching.

Soon after starting to help others, I decided to stop using the beta blocker and simply use the tools that I was teaching. It worked. I was able to manage any feelings of anticipatory anxiety, as well as the stronger feelings of anxiety that often came the first few minutes of a talk. I did it this way for at least 10 years.

Then one day I felt more anxious as I was waiting to give a radio interview. It had started to feel harder at times (which I believe was partly related to going through some hormonal changes) though I was always able to manage it far, far better than before. This one day, though, I asked myself why I wouldn’t allow myself a very small dose of beta blocker to make it easier on myself, as well as more enjoyable. I had already proven to myself I could do it without the medication and now I wanted to give myself a break and enjoy the experience more.

So, I decided to not be so hard on myself and allowed myself to use a small dose of beta blocker whenever I felt it would help support me (and I continue to use it to this day). I finally reconciled myself to this when I thought about the thyroid medication I take to balance my system and that I don’t take issue with that, so why would I take issue with needing to balance my system in this way? My ego doesn’t like the idea of relying on any medication, though my spirit likes the feeling of my body being in a comfortable state so I can feel more myself and be at my best for others. I still always use the many tools I teach to help with any anticipatory anxiety (which is immensely better than it had been in the past) and anxiety while speaking. I embrace the holistic approach that I teach and do many things to take care of my body, mind and spirit to help with speaking challenges as well as overall wellness.

I believe that if I were in a situation of speaking regularly, I would desensitize far more now than earlier in my career given I have the right mindset about it. I had tried Toastmasters a few times over the years but the groups I tried never really worked well for me. I had more regular speaking opportunities for a period of time and that was when I felt most at ease. When things slowed down with that and the speaking became more sporadic, that is also when it got a bit more challenging.

My work-life and lifestyle do not present me with regular opportunities to speak in public so I know that has been a factor in not fully getting to the other side of this fear. I will admit that, as an introvert, I have not felt moved to seek out regular, frequent speaking opportunities over time (it has gone in spurts instead) and this has somewhat limited how fully I have resolved my own issue with speaking.

I can say, though, that my mindset is in a very good place about speaking (light years from where it had been in the past) and I know I can do it whenever I am faced with an opportunity to speak. The only issue I still have is a conditioned fear response in my body when I start to speak – sometimes stronger, sometimes gentler. When I choose to take the medication, it is a non-issue. When I don’t use the medication, I practice accepting it, riding the wave, and focusing on my purpose and my message, remembering, “It is not about me”.

Take a look at Janet Esposito’s Best-Selling Books:

Book title: Getting Over Stage Fright: A new approach to resolving your fear of public speaking and performing

Book title: In The SpotLight: Overcome Your Fear of Public Speaking and Performing