Getting Over Stage Fright: Introduction

It seems like quite a stretch to think that our fear of public speaking and performing can actually be a blessing in our lives. That sounds like a big dose of positive thinking—an attempt to be the eternal optimist trying to find the silver lining in a difficult and often painful experience of personal suffering. I am the last person to deny how challenging and agonizing this fear can be for those who suffer from it, having been there myself and having heard the stories of hundreds of fellow sufferers over the years.

At the same time, there is a hidden side to this fear, which you can only discover when you stop running from it and finally face the “monster in the closet.” I have personally experienced, and have seen with many coaching clients and workshop participants, how approaching this fear in an adaptive way can lead to unexpected and far-reaching gifts. For me and many others, this fear has served as a “wake-up call”—an invitation to pay closer attention and look more deeply at ourselves and our lives and to learn some profound lessons in the process. The way to discover what our fear has to teach us is to stop seeing it as the enemy and instead begin to be curious about what valuable lessons it offers.

It takes quite a shift in perspective not to see this fear, and the associated symptoms that accompany it, as our enemy. We have spent years fighting it, running from it, trying to control it and feeling it has controlled us, and trying to conquer it and feeling it has won out over us. We have seen our fear as the thing that has stood in our way, robbing us of the level of career success, happiness, self-confidence, and peace of mind we so desire and preventing us from reaching our personal potential as a human being. We have cursed our fear for making us feel so weak and helpless, hidden it from others as our shameful secret, and spent many sleepless nights hoping, wishing, and praying it would go away. So how can we possibly see our fear as anything but our enemy?

I have heard it said that the most difficult people and circumstances are our greatest teachers. When life offers us people and circumstances that are easy and pleasant, we certainly relish them and wish life could always be this way. We come to expect that life should always run smoothly and be the way we want it to be, and we may get quite disgruntled when life presents us with frustrations and obstacles instead. Many of us who suffer from this fear have been high achievers, able to move past most obstacles in our path through a combination of determination and hard work. In fact, as we successfully negotiated the personal and professional challenges along the way, our sense of personal power and being in control of ourselves and our lives has been strongly reinforced.

Our experience of the depth and breadth of this fear has challenged how we see ourselves at the very core and has exposed us to a deep vulnerability we are not used to feeling. We have found it hard to accept ourselves as having this level of fear and vulnerability and, perhaps even more difficult to bear, possibly being seen by others as a person who feels so vulnerable and afraid. We have come to see our fear as a personal weakness and believe we will be judged by others as weak and lacking if our fear and vulnerability become exposed.

Yet our fear has also forced us to pay attention to our inner life in a way that other things have not. When our lives are working smoothly and predictably, it is easy to sail along and not question anything. This fear has stopped us in our tracks and, in doing so, has given us the opportunity to pause and take stock of ourselves and our lives. It is an invitation to become more conscious of patterns in our personality and approach to life that might not be serving us well. It is an opportunity to create a deeper understanding of ourselves, others, and our worldview. It is up to us how far we take this self-discovery, but however far that is, it is always an invitation to grow and evolve as a human being.

In order to learn the lessons that this fear has to teach us we have to change the way we approach it. Rather than try to control and conquer it, we have to learn to accept our fear—even befriend it, be curious about it, and listen for the lessons it offers. Paradoxically, the more we let go of our need to conquer our fear, and instead make peace with this vulnerable part of ourselves, the more the fear eases naturally on its own. We learn how to not be afraid of the fear and how to feel safe and grounded in the midst of feeling fearful. Instead of further fueling the fear with our distressed and anxious reactions when it arises, we learn to relax, accept what is happening, and “ride the wave,” all of which begins to shift and transform the energy of fear.

It is important to recognize fear as a natural part of the human condition and not view it as a personal weakness or failing. We need to learn to let go of our strivings toward perfection and accept ourselves as less-than-perfect human beings, realizing we are no better and no worse than others. Many of us are not used to feeling humbled in this way, as we are accustomed to taking pride in the many achievements and successes we have experienced in our lives. It takes humility to accept our imperfections and not feel embarrassed by them. It seems that many of our greatest leaders have been among the most humble people, who accept and appreciate their basic humanness even when others hold them in such high esteem and expect great things of them.

We often have the illusion that others “have it all together” when they appear to be confident and self-assured in their personal style. We may especially envy those who appear that way when speaking or performing, desperately wishing we could be that way. The truth is, we really have no idea how someone is feeling deep within themselves or what their life is really like, based on how they present themselves in public. Most people keep their personal problems and challenges hidden from view, other than perhaps from their closest confidants. Even if someone appears calm, confident, and self-assured as a speaker or performer, the person’s public image may or may not accurately reflect his or her inner world and life experience.

Rather than make assumptions about people based on surface impressions, it is more useful to acknowledge the truth that you have no idea what their lives are like below the surface and behind the scenes. Rest assured that everyone has their fair share of imperfections, feelings of vulnerability, and challenges in response to some aspect of life, whether it is apparent or not. One surprising, and reassuring, revelation that has occurred over and over again in my workshops over the years is the discovery that others cannot detect our fear and vulnerability as much as we may think (and often not at all). People are amazed by this, given how strong the feelings can be and how intense the experience is for the person going through such inner turmoil.

Whatever your own inner struggle is, and however it came to be, the point is that you are not transparent and neither is anyone else. Even if someone detects something in you, they have no way of knowing what exactly is going on or the depth and breadth of the fear and vulnerability you might be experiencing. The other important point to recognize is that there is nothing wrong with you for having these feelings, as no one is immune to feeling fear and vulnerability as they deal with especially challenging life issues and problems. Rather than fighting against or running away from these feelings, and judging ourselves for having them, it is much wiser to allow and accept them as part of our human experience.

Some people have spoken of “the imposter syndrome,” feeling they are presenting themselves as a fraud if others perceive them to be confident and self-assured when they are actually experiencing such intense fear and anxiety. This can be said of just about everyone, as most people keep their deepest vulnerabilities private, sharing these only with those closest to them or perhaps with no one at all. The idea of being an “imposter” or “fraud” suggests a deliberate attempt to deceive others for your own gain, and this is just not the case with those who are trying to cope with a speaking or performing fear and doing the best they can under difficult circumstances.

Our cultural conditioning encourages us to assume and expect things of each other based on superficial impressions. If people assume and expect things of you based on how you appear on the surface, know that you are not being an imposter if the deeper truth is different. Likewise, others are not being imposters if they keep a part of their lives hidden from public view. We are all trying to cope with our life challenges in a culture that doesn’t encourage that depth of honesty and disclosure, and it is not a personal statement about you if your outer presentation differs from your inner experience.

When we are feeling so vulnerable, and in a state of heightened fear and anxiety, it is as though we are in a trance and we can easily distort our perceptions of ourselves and others. We often regress into feeling like a small, frightened child and disconnect from our usual adult functioning. We may feel different, separate, lost, and alone. Our self-preoccupation and narrow view further fuel feelings of isolation and alienation, which feed the cycle of fear and self-doubt.

When we are able to step back and challenge our belief in these fear-based distortions, we are able to see more of the truth about ourselves and others. As we look more deeply at what is true, we are able to see and feel the humanity in the room and to realize we are all on this journey together. It helps us realize that people are much more alike than different in the challenges we face as human beings. It allows us to not get intimidated by those who hold positions of power or prestige, or to think lesser of those who don’t hold positions of status. And it invites us to open up at a heart level and feel our connection to others rather than experience ourselves as different, separate, and alone.

To heal the roots of our speaking or performing fear requires a paradigm shift—a radically different approach. It is best to work on all three levels of body, mind, and spirit as we create a new way to manage and transform our fear. We can ground ourselves in our bodies and thereby create a strong and stable foundation within ourselves to turn to in moments of fear. We can work with our mind so it comes to serve us better as an ally rather than work against us, as is so often the case. And, to complete the spectrum of potential healing and transformation from this fear, we can tap into the wisdom, truth, and heightened awareness of our spiritual nature. It is by tapping into this realm that we can cultivate our deepest growth and highest potential as we learn to move away from our individual, self-focused ego concerns and bring down the barrier between ourselves and others that keep us trapped in fear.

In healing and transforming our feelings of fear and vulnerability, we are also creating the potential to deepen and expand our conscious awareness of ourselves, others, and the world around us. The fear is an invitation to pay attention to the unconscious, conditioned ways in which many of us are living and discover how to live a more conscious life. In gaining wisdom and skill in how we approach our fear, we can also become more wise and skillful in how we approach life itself.